On August 19, 2013, I posted an article titled Three Things You Don’t Know About Your Children and Sex.
The day I actually wrote the article was the day after my last camp speaking engagement back in July. I was on a bus and on the verge of tears with 80 junior high students sitting behind me, my laptop bouncing as we raced up bumpy Illinois highways. Very few times in my life has my heart been that heavy. As the students filed off the bus to find eagerly waiting parents back at their church, I stayed on board, hiding behind the tinted windows recalling stories and innocent eyes. My heart got heavier knowing the weight of what was unspoken while the talk bubbles of “hello-how-are-you-how-was-camp?” floated in the air.
Now, my inbox is full. Over 300 comments sit: words of pain, hope, questions. Even confirmation.
Like this comment from a 15 year old girl:
As a 15 year old girl, I can’t thank you enough…I was introduced to the world of sex when I was 8, and have been frustrated ever since. It started off with masturbation every day, but eventually that wasn’t enough, and I experimented with my best friend (girl) one night last year. After that, my addiction rose to a whole new level…Every single one of my friends (all of whom have been raised in the church) have been introduced to sex early, and a good number of them have been battling pornography as I have. This really can’t continue any longer. I beg of you, parents, be vigilante with your children. As Christians, we can’t stand on the sidelines and let Satan and the rest of the world win. Don’t let them suffer as I have.
And these questions from parents:
When do I talk to my kids about this?
How much do I say?
What’s appropriate?
I don’t want to cause them to be any more curious than they need to be.
What do I do? I’ve been struggling my entire adult life?
As someone who is not a parent, you can imagine my sense of inadequacy in answering your questions, at least with wisdom of my own. I haven’t had to sit down with my own child, explain these things, and make decisions about technology (while dealing with my own past, my own questions, my own struggles.)
And to reiterate something I said yesterday, I believe to be the most important thing any of us can do, parent, child, bystander, we first must pray. We first must allow ourselves to be broken beyond our pretty surface smiles and casual, comfortable lives and we must expose our hearts to God, asking Him to stop this, to help us intervene, to give us courage and strength to fight and to show grace and not condemnation with ourselves and others.
*****
Please accept my feeble attempt to provide you with some helpful guidance from some research I did on the internet. If you have resources of your own, please leave links to them in the comments so that others can benefit. Allow this to be a place we can all share links, books, advice. I urge you to not keep what you know to yourself – go in the comments and help others. If you have a question, post it. Keep checking back, keep helping each other.
Books:
From Focus on the Family:
In the Parenting/Sexuality and Parenting/Protecting Your Family areas of their website:
· “Healthy Childhood Sexual Development”
· “Teaching Children Healthy Sexuality”
· “Talking About Sex and Puberty”
· “Prevent the Sexualization of Your Daughter”
· “When Children View Pornography”
· “Combatting Cultural Influences”
Online Safety:
Tim and I personally use Covenant Eyes on both our iPhones and all of our computers. We don’t use the filtering option now, but when we have kids will probably investigate it.
XXXChurch.com has accountability software at both free and paid levels, as well as resources and support. They have a great “Ask the Expert” section that you can read through and learn how other parents are dealing with tough situations and ask your own question.
NetNanny has filtering, time, and monitoring software.
For women and girls struggling with pornography addiction, I recommend my friend Crystal’s ministry Whole Women Ministries. I met Crystal when she was in high school years ago and I was the first person she told and now she is reaching thousands of women with hope.
*****
I realize there are many, many other books and blogs and sermons and just good, old-fashioned advice that lives in our experience and the strings of the interwebs. So please, dive in. Educate yourself. Find what resources you think can work for you and your family. Talk to your spouse, parents, family, pastors, counselors. Ask each other. Help each other. Encourage each other.
With God’s help, we got this. I believe now more than ever that we can reshape our culture with our humility, our surrender, and our proactive (difficult!, awkward!, clumsy!, worth it!) communication with our children and other parents.
Tomorrow, I’ll be sharing my own story as the good Christian girl who found herself in a battle with pornography she never expected.
So for today…Pray. Learn. Fight.