When God Isn’t In Control

Late last week, I had conversations with two of my unofficial spiritual/career mentors. They’re unofficial because I’ve never asked them, but when we meet, their advice to me always weighs heavy on my decision-making.

One was over coffee at downtown Franklin’s famous Meridee’s. I voiced my current struggles of feeling disjointed in my work: too many voices to manage (“Church Anne” … “Porn Fighting Anne” … “Community Anne”) and my poor decisions to jump into too many things at once. Oh, and the ever-present fears of being self-employed and helping contribute financially to the dreams and plans Tim and I feel God giving us.

My mentor honestly called out the truth behind my insecurities, gave me clear direction, and left me inspired and encouraged to move forward.

Then I went to sleep.

Then I woke up with a combination of anxiety and peace (which, of course, I tweeted to the world).

I texted a friend of mine asking her for prayer. Her kind words back to me glowed with Christ and His providence.

Yesterday, as I sat around in my pajamas, slightly fuzzy-headed from flu medication, I caught myself worrying. I was looking at the realities of releasing two book projects this year and an internet platform that looks entirely different than it did five years ago, when I first started writing. How can I expect to earn a living doing this anymore?

I count the stats, the numbers, and I inject them into a vein of self-worth.  Does it boost my spirits? No. It begins atrophying.

And maybe it was because of the flu meds that my inhibitions were down and the brave me wasn’t afraid to speak. She came to the front of my mind’s conversation and said,

For some reason, I did. And this morning, it’s still there…even though I’m still a little afraid. That’s the part of me who thinks God isn’t in control.

Over coffee at Meridee’s, my unofficial mentor said two things to me that are sustaining my disbelief. Maybe they’ll help you, too.

If you’re feeling ill-equipped to do something because of your experience, remember this: Jesus and Paul spoke a lot about marriage, but neither one of them were married. And if you’re afraid to take that next step, to invest your time or money into something that God’s leading you to, remember this: the only person who didn’t see a return on his investment was the one who buried his treasure.

Continue moving forward in whatever God has placed in your path. Maybe you need to be brave and rest. Or maybe it’s time to say, “God, I’m all in.” Perhaps the next right step is just you trusting God – completely.

Whatever it is, know you’re not alone. There’s a girl in Tennessee who’s fighting to hear truth through all the jumbled up voices in her head right alongside you.