Dear Baby Girl,
First, you’re not really much of a baby now, are you? I can’t believe you’re almost two years old. So big, yet so small. So fiercely loving even though you don’t even know how big of a heart you have or how much this world needs it.
Even though we’ll talk about it when you’re older, I wanted to write a few things down while I was living them live, in real time.
Last night when I put you down in your bed, prayed our prayer, and stepped out of the room, I started weeping because it was the last time I will get to see your face for the next month. Those closest to me know the heartbreak that comes in saying goodbye, even when it’s for a good thing. I’m afraid my absence will damage your heart or your mind. I’m afraid you will think I am gone forever. Or that I left you and don’t love you. Or that you did something wrong to make me leave.
My girl, none of those things are true.
Ever since the moment I knew you existed inside me, since the day when your dad and I saw your jumping tadpole body on the ultrasound, I have loved you with a love that only grows stronger with each day. The amount of gratitude I have for you feels like taking a deep breath of the purest oxygen and I feel my chest rise with gladness, the molecules of thankfulness penetrating each one of my cells.
It seems you grow up every night we put you to bed and you’re impossibly more beautiful, more lovely, more smart, more curious, and more surprising than the day you were born. I don’t know how this is possible, but with close to 22 months under our belt, it’s safe to say the research has been consistent.
Fear consumes me when I think about what could happen to you out in the world, whether by accident or on purpose. Part of me (most of me) dreams of a world where you do not fight the mental demons your father and I fight. That you trust fully but wisely. That no harm falls on you. That your heart never breaks.
Even if, baby, even if…
- If your brain tells you lies, you’ll know the truth.
- If someone breaks your trust, it won’t break you.
- If harm falls on you, it won’t bury you deep.
- If your heart breaks, it won’t always bleed.
And should you feel like the lies, the breaking, the burying, and the bleeding become too much, look all around you because you are so loved. Ask for help when you need it and you’ll have an army already by your side.
So, my sweetest girl, I want you to know that it’s all worth fighting for.
That’s why I’m gone for now.
I’m out fighting for me, for you, and in a way, for others so that maybe I can be hope to them too.
- My brain tells me lies, so I’m fighting for the truth.
- Someone broke my trust I’m fighting to be made new.
- Harm fell on me so I’m fighting out of the heap.
- My heart is broken and I’m fighting to be free.
I love you, baby. I love you.